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The standard
GENERAL APPEARANCE The Irish Wolfhound is the largest and tallest of
the galloping hounds, combining power and swiftness – in other words
he can steal from great heights, and just when it starts bucketing
down, he will spot a hare (or anything else that moves – like a paper
bag!), and no amount of screaming will bring him back until you are
thoroughly soaked to the skin. On returning to his beloved owner he
will use his great strength and speed to flatten you into the mud
whilst licking your face ecstatically.
HEAD AND SKULL Long enough to snout in the mud and broad enough to
raise your elbow when you have a full cup of coffee in your hand.
Pigment should be dark, but paint, mud and caked on food is
permissible.
EYES Frequently closed, but when open can spot food from a great
distance. The Irish twinkle usually pre-empts mischief and
deviousness.
EARS Totally deaf to commands – but try unwrapping foil-covered food!
Ears may also be covered in mud, butter, and anything disgusting that
can be rolled in.
BITE Strong enough to turn chair legs into filigree, carpets into
Brussels Lace, and render brooms, brushes etc., to matchwood.
NECK Long and muscular – giving hound the capability of nicking
anything from a great height.
FOREQUARTERS Strong and muscular – all the better for digging craters,
up-rooting roses and young trees, also enables hound to dig up
recently buried Hamster/Chicken/ Cat to be put aside for a later snack.
BODY Back – long enough to completely obscure the television. Chest -
deep enough to lie in afore-mentioned crater.
HINDQUARTERS Very powerful, enabling hound to ”pop” over the recently
constructed fence (a second mortgage may be required here to build a
fence of Colditz proportions) . Young hounds like to try out their
strength by flattening Grandma as she walks through the door.
FEET Moderately large and frequently all four in the air or up the
newly painted wall. Must be large enough to carry vast quantities of
mud to be distributed through the house. Nails – long and strong
enough to necessitate plastic surgery on arms and legs when demanding
attention.
MOVEMENT Virtually non-existent when answering a command. Like grease
lightening when next-doors cat appears in the garden, or food is on
the table.
TAIL Very long and slightly curved – must be carried over the back in
the ring. At home, must wag violently to knock off ornaments and whack
kids around the face.
COAT Rough and full of mud, twigs, sticky burs and other noxious
substances, especially immediately before departure to a show at 5
a.m.
COLOUR Usually dirty brown (especially on white bits), it is not
acceptable for the natural colour to be visible, but paint of any
colour is acceptable.
WEIGHT AND SIZE Normally very thin or very fat, only ever correct when
the show season ends. Far too big to fit in the family car, thus
requiring a third mortgage to purchase a Transit or similar.
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